Never did I think  that I would end up here.
Never did I think that I would be this way.
Never did I think that this would be my life.
Never did I think that this would be the world today.

I thought that at this age I would be somewhere else. Six feet under. I didn't see a life past the hell I was in. Back then I so lost in what I thought life should be compared to what it was. I thought that I was going to just loose it and never live past eighteen.

A little easier

Why does it all have to be so damn complicated?
Why can't life be just a little bit easier?
They say that god doesn't give you more than you can handle.
I laugh at this the gods just want to see me suffer.
There is so much I've been trough that I can't handle.
This life hasn't been easy at all but can't it get a little easier?
I'm not a bad person so why does it have to be so challenging?
I'm not asking to hand me everything on a silver platter but can't ya help me just a little?
Give me something I can handle make me feel like I'm not alone...something
Please?
...that's what I thought but t was worth the try....

What to do?

What do you do when nothing you say turns out right? What do you say when nothing you do works out the way you want it to? What happens when your world flips upside down? How do you cope when surviving feels like a chore? Ooohh how do you work it out when nothing seems to be okay? What happens when the life you knew one day just escapes from you one day?

Beauty Not so Much

Why does everyone hate him?
Why can't anyone see that I am with him because he saved me?
Why can't anyone tell that he's not the bastard they make him out to be?
He can be an ass,
He hates the world,
He doesn't want a part of the shit.
But he loves me.
This monster you think you see is just a person.
This is just a side to him.
Yeah he's a pain but I don't want better.
I know hes not perfect no one is.
But this isn't beauty and the beast.
If it was he'd be beauty and I'd be beast.

Invisible

What does it mean to be invisible?
To feel like no one cares?
Like no one can really see you...
What is it like to be surrounded by people every day,
To be bleeding inside,
Yet no one,
Not a single person,
Can see that something is eating you from the inside out.
To live in a house full of so called family,
But not a single person looks up once.
No one asks if you're okay.
No one cares that you're slowly dying.
What is it like to be invisible?
You can see everyone.
Everyone but me.

Dear Ex Lover

Dear Ex Lover,
I know how hard this must be for you.
I hate that things had to be like this,
That they had to be so horrible for you.
It isn't fair to you,
Having to give up someone you love so much.
Not because it's what you want but
Because it's what you had to do.
For me, to me, in spite of me.
I'm sorry that things had to be this way,
That you had to get the broken end of things.
I guess hearts really don't break even.
Know this though,
I will always love you,
Respect you for the things you had to do for me.
I'm sorry you couldn't give me everything I needed.
I love you for caring so much,
For doing what is right for me,
Even though it kills you inside.
Know that no matter what,
If we are meant to be,
We will be together again someday.
If not I will be your friend forever
AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
Forever a part of you,
Your Almost Forever Lover  

Dear Ex Best Friend

Dear Ex Best Friend,
I know you never intended to hurt me.
I think a part of me always knew,
I was hurt because weather what you said was true or not,
It was the past, four to five years in the past.
I didn't want to know because I honestly didn't care.
I was so happy to be with him.
You're right I could do better but I didn't want to.
I loved him, still do.
Either way I never hated you.
Your source pissed me off to no extent,
You believing them over my happiness hurt.
I was hurt by you but never hated you.
You know me oh so well honey,
You know I will never hate you just be pissed for a while.
I'm thankful to have you in my life again.
I never knew how much I missed you until you text me that day.
I will always be your best friend and you mine.
No matter how bad or long our fights are.
I love you,
Newly Found Forgiveness

I am a faceless name.
I am a body-less  spirit.
I am a nothing,
A nobody...
I am anything but.
I may not be the prettiest face in all of Russia,
Or the best singer in all of Asia.
Hell I may be a talent-less fraud of a human being.
I am none sense for I am me.

Liar

You said you loved me.
You lied.
Said I was the only one.
You cheated with your ex.
Said you were done with the drugs.
You were never sober.
Said you missed me.
You never tried to see me when you "missed" me.

See you're done for I caught on. You can't keep stringing me along. I found a man who will love me for me. He's everything you never could be. You say he's worthless, he's a pansy, he's a baby and a phony. 
The only phony here is you. He loves me for all the things you hated. He thinks I am wonderful even if I drive him crazy. He is everything you said you could be and more. I will make this quick and easy for you.

He truly loves me and you, well I tried to be friends. I tried to make it work you said you would but you didn't. Instead you lied when you said I still mean something to you...you're never there anymore especially when I need you most...okay have it you're way...I'm nothing more than ancient history to you...

Fight

People have always told me that I am a strong girl, though part of me has always known it, I never truly believed them. It wasn't because I thought they were lying or just trying to calm me down. No, it was something completely different, something I didn't realize until now. I couldn't believe them because I was blinded by feeling. I felt weak, I thought that because I felt weak I was. That it made me this weak scared little girl. I was wrong. Yes, I admit it I am scared of a lot of things. I feel like wuss who can't do anything but break down and cry, a pansy ass, worthless, little nobody. I don't know things about myself, my life or even my future. That's the point though, of life, I mean. It was never meant to be easy and that's what makes us feel weak isn't it? When we don't know whats to come and everything seems to knock us to our knees and keep us there. Life was meant to be worth the fight and it is even though we don't always see it. I am not weak because I am scared, hurt and broken. I am just the opposite. I am strong because I know how to face my fears and no matter what happens how to keep fighting. I can handle anything life throws at me because I stay and fight. Though I melt down in the moment and feel like giving up I won't. I refuse to check out of this life until my time on Earth is over. When life knocks me down, no matter how far I fall, I pick myself, dust myself off, and try again. I stand and fight and nothing in this world can stop me from being the woman I am meant to be and right there is my strength: The fight within.

Fight the Monster within

Can I trust you?

You who deceived me.

Me the innocent child.

Child of yours, never.

Never have I been yours to claim.

Claim the demon within.

Within yourself.

Can I give you forgiveness?
Forgiveness for betraying my trust.

Trust you never should have earned.

Earn the life you have taken from me.

Me, I survived your cruelty.

Cruelty of your black heart.

Heart turned to a black hole.

Can I love a traitor?

Traitors receive the death penalty.

Penalties are there to protect.

Protection is what I gave myself.

Myself is the one person I can trust.

Trust is not something I can give.

Give to anyone because of you.

You who has turned me into this.

This unforgiving monster.

Monster of a being.

Being that must be destroyed.

Can I fight the monster you've created of me?

Worth the Fight

Hearts can break,

Souls can crumble,

Lives fall apart,

In the blink of an eye everything can be turned upside down.

Just as fast as your world shatters,

Someone could always come and save you.

Life is full of undesirable things.

The only way to deal is to dive in head first and fight.

Fight for not only your life but the things that matter the most to you.

When life brings you to your knees,

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.

Blame yourself for your failures,

You refuse to try.

Life wasn't meant to be easy,

It is a fight.

Isn't it worth it?

Choices

How do I do this?

Make such a huge decision?

Stay and be an adult?

Live on my own.

By my own rules.

A dream come true or is it?

Am I really ready for this?
Or am I just a kid playing dress up in mommy's clothes?

Can I really do this?

Or will trying kill me?

Do I try?

Or go with them?

Which adventure is worth my while?

Which path has the Goddess chosen for me?
If only it weren't such a blur.

How will I know what the right choice is?

Stay?

OR admit defeat and go?

Wishing, Always Wishing

Don't know where to turn or who to be around you.

Knowing its stupid to be mad,

Can't help but be furious with you.

Can't shake the feeling this won't last.

Stay and fight?

OR turn and walk away?
Wishing, always wishing to just live in that safe haven.

To be Alice in Wonderland.

To be anyone in some far away fairy tale land.

As long as its far away from this reality,

Then, maybe then,

Just maybe Freedom can finally come.

Confusion replaced with certainty.

Nothing but knowing where belonging is for this traveler of confusion.

Wishing always wishing for one thing,

To just know what life means.

Don't even have to know what it brings.

Furious and frustrated maybe there was no right.

Maybe just maybe you were the one who was wrong.

Ever think of that?

Never do.

Happiness Nevermore

The loving hopeless romantic of an optimistic heart,

That once was.

Has now become the broken life,

Of an untrusting cynic heart.

Turned to stone by the pain,

Reflected in the eyes of the storm.

Just starting rain once long ago.

Now turned to a hurricane,

By the shattered soul upon the floor.

The wreckage the only relief for the misery.

Joy only a scene in a movie of the past.

Never to be relived.

Only witnessed on the moving picture screen.

Happiness nevermore.

Life's a Game

Life is a game you can't quit.

Control your fate blindly.

Never give up.

Never stop fighting the good fight.

As long as it's something worth fighting for.

If you've found nothing you're a quitter,

And the game ends at the end of this turn.

What's it going to be?

Right to the path of life?

OR left to the dead end?

The game begins when you decide what fate to choose.

How to Say It

How to say those three words.

They change your life forever.

Hard to breath heart races hand shake.

Words stick in your throat on the tip of your tongue.

Terrified to say it.

Most important three words of your life.

They'll suffocate you if you don't get them out.

What happens if you say them?

Here it goes...

Those three words:

Of I love you

New World

New life, new world.

This age of 17,

Early graduate.

One foot in the adult world,

One chained in the realm of children.

It feels all responsibility and no play.

Does it get easier?

Everything feels of a contradiction...

Told to be an adult and treated like a child.

Reminded every day,

18 is still five months away.

What happens then?

Is it an automatic transition?

Another new world,

For a girl who is not an adult,

But not quite a kid anymore.

Lover's Cry For Him

How do you let go when you see forever?

She loves him,

Doesn't want to let go.

But she has too.

There's no way for this to work.

She knows deep down that he loves her.

He knows it too.

She also knows he needs to express it.

He pushed her out the door whether he knows it or not.

She needs him to know she won't ever let go.

But it's a secret,

A burden she bares.

He has to find it out for himself.

He needs to know how to show her he loves her,

He cares.

Be the sappy romantic she sees in her mind.

He knows how to keep her.

Hopefully he remembers she'll always love him,

She can't be with him right now.

She'll always be his.

Fate or Trickery?

All I see is you.

Whether I close my eyes,

Open them to take a look,

It's always you in my periphery.

But what does it mean?

Is it a sign?

Will you disappear?

Come home to me?

Or is this just my insanity?

Will I wake tomorrow to find you in my bed?

Find you off to run away?

Or find you no where but my head?

What does it mean that you,

This maybe reality is all I ever see?

Is this my fate?

Is this trickery?