Wishing, Always Wishing

Don't know where to turn or who to be around you.

Knowing its stupid to be mad,

Can't help but be furious with you.

Can't shake the feeling this won't last.

Stay and fight?

OR turn and walk away?
Wishing, always wishing to just live in that safe haven.

To be Alice in Wonderland.

To be anyone in some far away fairy tale land.

As long as its far away from this reality,

Then, maybe then,

Just maybe Freedom can finally come.

Confusion replaced with certainty.

Nothing but knowing where belonging is for this traveler of confusion.

Wishing always wishing for one thing,

To just know what life means.

Don't even have to know what it brings.

Furious and frustrated maybe there was no right.

Maybe just maybe you were the one who was wrong.

Ever think of that?

Never do.

Happiness Nevermore

The loving hopeless romantic of an optimistic heart,

That once was.

Has now become the broken life,

Of an untrusting cynic heart.

Turned to stone by the pain,

Reflected in the eyes of the storm.

Just starting rain once long ago.

Now turned to a hurricane,

By the shattered soul upon the floor.

The wreckage the only relief for the misery.

Joy only a scene in a movie of the past.

Never to be relived.

Only witnessed on the moving picture screen.

Happiness nevermore.

Life's a Game

Life is a game you can't quit.

Control your fate blindly.

Never give up.

Never stop fighting the good fight.

As long as it's something worth fighting for.

If you've found nothing you're a quitter,

And the game ends at the end of this turn.

What's it going to be?

Right to the path of life?

OR left to the dead end?

The game begins when you decide what fate to choose.

How to Say It

How to say those three words.

They change your life forever.

Hard to breath heart races hand shake.

Words stick in your throat on the tip of your tongue.

Terrified to say it.

Most important three words of your life.

They'll suffocate you if you don't get them out.

What happens if you say them?

Here it goes...

Those three words:

Of I love you

New World

New life, new world.

This age of 17,

Early graduate.

One foot in the adult world,

One chained in the realm of children.

It feels all responsibility and no play.

Does it get easier?

Everything feels of a contradiction...

Told to be an adult and treated like a child.

Reminded every day,

18 is still five months away.

What happens then?

Is it an automatic transition?

Another new world,

For a girl who is not an adult,

But not quite a kid anymore.

Lover's Cry For Him

How do you let go when you see forever?

She loves him,

Doesn't want to let go.

But she has too.

There's no way for this to work.

She knows deep down that he loves her.

He knows it too.

She also knows he needs to express it.

He pushed her out the door whether he knows it or not.

She needs him to know she won't ever let go.

But it's a secret,

A burden she bares.

He has to find it out for himself.

He needs to know how to show her he loves her,

He cares.

Be the sappy romantic she sees in her mind.

He knows how to keep her.

Hopefully he remembers she'll always love him,

She can't be with him right now.

She'll always be his.

Fate or Trickery?

All I see is you.

Whether I close my eyes,

Open them to take a look,

It's always you in my periphery.

But what does it mean?

Is it a sign?

Will you disappear?

Come home to me?

Or is this just my insanity?

Will I wake tomorrow to find you in my bed?

Find you off to run away?

Or find you no where but my head?

What does it mean that you,

This maybe reality is all I ever see?

Is this my fate?

Is this trickery?

It's Over

This time it's over.

I'm done,

I can't do it.

This time I refuse,

I won't pretend it's all okay.

I've been pushed over the edge far too many times.

I give up.

I quit and walk away for good.

Show me you love me,

Meaning ignore me?

Something I never understood.

Guess you'll lose me.

Question is,

Will that be to keep me or permanently?

Terrors of the Night.

awakened with a scream

just another bad dream

danger with the sunset

never have enough rest

by morning paranoia

can't stand the light

dark brings weakened aura

terrors of the night

night by night

day by day

fright by fright

what to say?

Can the nightmare ever be stopped?

close the door and keep it locked

here inside one's mind

deepest fears intertwined

Every time my eyes close

wish I'd see the red red rose

instead i see horror

of the next night's twisted explorers

Will these nights ever end?

Never wished to see around the next bend.

Praying each night it will be over

Guess I need a four leaf clover.

The Demon's Monstrous Creation

I may be monstrous.

You're demonic.

I may be evil incarnate.

But baby that makes you prime evil.

I may not be perfect.

Neither are you.

I may be a rebel.

But you're a law breaker.

I am not the horror story you make me out to be.

The reality is that you are the real horror story.

You are a true serial killer compared to my cheese slasher film status.

The real difference is that I'm made up evil people pay to see.

You are the news paper heading everyone prays never to be.

You thought you corrupt me.

I'm compelling.

You thought you won the war.

When really the war was already won.

You despise my will and for that you tried to make me a monster.

When really the true monster was always you.

See that I was only your shadow.

Never as dangerous as the real thing.

The student will yet to be the teacher.

I am monstrous compared to human.

Compared to you I am a pixie among demons.

You Were My Everything

What do you do when you lose the one person you thought you'd always keep?

How do you handle the hurt and heart break?

Who will replace them when they were your everything?

When will they show you how much you mean to them?

Where does their heart lie?

Why have they gone never to return again?

You were my love, my life, my world...

I was ready to be your everything the way you were mine,

To show you distance couldn't ruin everything if you were really in love.

I wanted to marry you,

To be with you.

I wanted to love you,

Raise a family with you.

But I guess the love I had for you just wasn't enough for you.

Gone forever,

I ask for nothing,

It'd be foolish to even try,

Except that you keep the shattered remains of what my heart could have been.

When Does It End?

When does the nightmare end?

When do bad things stop happening to good people?

When do we stop taking two steps forward to get knocked six feet back?

When do we finally get a fucking break?

We can't keep doing this forever.

We can't keep pushing our limits,

To see just how far you can bend us.

One day we will break and what happens then?

We are only so strong.

We aren't super heroes.

We don't have super powers.

We have strong hearts and strong will.

But we can only do so much.

Losing Him

Haven't even packed.

Soon to leave.

Excited but scared.

What happens to him when she leaves?

She feels she's lost him.

Was he ever hers to lose?

Is he hers?

Will he ever be truly hers?

When will she see him again?

Today?

In a week?

In six months?

Three years?
Ever again?

In love.

Terrified to lose what may never have been hers to lose.

He is her heart.

Therefore he is her home.

Jailbird Sings

Freedom?

What is this word of which you speak?

Something unobtainable behind these bars.

Chains and stripes being the only life a jailbird knows.

How the bird wishes to break the chains.

Prove its innocence.

Breath in the fresh air.

Spread its wings and fly.

Even if it is for one day.

The bird would take it gladly.

To know something more could exist.

That would be what keep the jailbird going.

The hope to one day obtain that which is far from its reaches.

Freedom.

Does it Ever End?

Why is doing what is right for you always the hardest?

Why can't people leave you be?

Why can't life be simple?

I'm trying my best.

I'm trying to make it through this.

Trying to survive.

But how do you do it?

How can you survive this when everything is working against you?

How do you get up and keep fighting when they knock you down and hold you there?

As soon as you tell them the truth,

As soon as you speak up,

They shoot you down.

Rip your head off and feed it to the wolves.

You fall and hit rock bottom and keep falling.

They say that once you hit bottom the only way to go is up.

No,

That's not true.

Further and further you fall.

You take two steps forward to get knocked five steps back.

It never ends.

Never gets better.

How do you live when everyone is bent on your demise?

Anger

Anger

Destruction

Pain

Frustration

Unknown

Irritation

Total

Irreversible

Complete

Utter

Chaos

Hell

Just

Broke

Loose

Hear

The

Siren

Sing

Am I wrong?

Is it wrong not to love him anymore?

Not to care?

He abandoned me...

Abandoned us.

I left,

He blamed me.

Placed blame...

Before trying to fix it.

He hurt me.

Left scars,

They are having horrors healing.

Tried to break me.

Am I as bad as him?

If I stay away?

Am I evil if i want him to stay out of my life?

Yes,

He did do a lot for me.

But can I forgive him?

If I can't...

Does that make me a monster?

Does it make me like him?

Never Superhero

I'm not a superhero.

I can't do everything,

Save everyone.

I try,

Lord (if he or she exists) knows,

I try.

I'd save everyone,

If only I could.

But I can't.

Especially the ones who won't let me.

This doesn't make me evil,

Nor does it make me a monster.

It doesn't mean I'm weak.

It means I'm smart enough to know,

When someone can't be saved.

Wise enough to know,

You can't save someone,

That doesn't want to be saved.

Most of all,

It means

I am strong enough to walk away.

If they are meant to survive they will.

I'm not going to shatter my heart again...

Not to watch someone else I love...

Try or succeed in/to kill themselves.

I'm strong enough to know I can't do it again.

I love you,

Dearest friend.

Always will.

Please forgive me.

Understand,

I can't be your hero.

Never could.

Understand

Try to understand.

This isn't me.

Wasn't planned.

Didn't want the hurt.

Wasn't in spite of you.

Had nothing to do with you.

Inner demons must be fought.

Couldn't tell you.

How could I?

Would be able to help?

Would you understand?

Would you care?

How do you save someone from themselves?

How do you help when they don't even know what's wrong?

Stop the bleeding.

It's invisible.

Clean the wound.

It's metaphorical.

Stop the tears.

They're a silent river.

Pick me up,

Dust me off.

I'm bruised.

I'm broken.

Try to understand.

It had to be done.

To save me.

You Never Knew

I knew...

I knew that I couldn't face you.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

If I told you...

What would you do?

Throw it in my face and call it a lie?

How would you know?

What makes you think you can even comprehend?

You told me we could talk about it.

To just come home.

But what you don't understand is that...

You don't want to know.

Don't really care.

If you did...

If you really cared...

You'd want to know.

I wouldn't be sitting here.

Silently screaming.

Tears escaping.

Broken hearted...

I wouldn't be on the verge of...

This.

Life would be...

Less wounded

Less empty.

I wouldn't want to scream at you.

I wouldn't be dying inside...

If you really cared you'd look inside,

You'd find what I did...

Wasn't who I am.

You'd know...

There was a reason.

But you don't know...

Because you never really cared.

Faces

A person can only wear so many faces.

Have so many hopes and dreams.

I can bite my tongue and pretend for now...

But...how long?

How long can that last?

How long before the truth shines through?

I'm running out of masks, of faces...

Running out of time and patience,

Of places to hide.

I'll smile and play along.

Until it all goes wrong.

You never knew the lies were...

Just that.

Lies.

Because you know,

Never did,

You never knew,

Just how well I hide,

The pain and lies can only stay,

That way for so long.

The face I wore was joy,

Bliss.

Underneath it all was the truth,

You never saw,

Behind the mask.

Look me in the eyes.

Tell me you don't see,

A crumbling soul before thee.

You know you do.

You didn't know before.

How could you?

I can only where so many faces.

It Will Be Okay.

You say it will be alright.

I feel it will be okay.

We know this will all be fine.

The then why am I so sad?

Why so nervous and scared?

We don't know what the future holds.

Don't know the outcome.

We know nothing of what lies ahead.

All we know is what we feel.

All I can do is jump in

And pray it will all be...

As you say.

Okay.

Give Me a Home

Please give me a home.

A place where no one else can ever roam.

A safe haven for you and me.

A place that we can just be,

Free always free.

Give me the home we can use,

To hide away from the evils,

They will never know as true.

This place that can only be

That which we decide to hide from the calamity.

Create a place I'll never want to leave.

Make it the palace of dreams,

The fantasy come to life.

Give me a place to call mine.

Give me the home I've wished for.

Let

Me

Close

My

Eyes

And

See

The

Home

I

Dream

Will

Be

One

Day

There

For

Me

Just

Me

How to Tell...

How to tell him I worry when I can't even say hello.

How to tell him I see the pain behind his eyes.

How to ask him to open up.

How to ask him to let me in.

How to tell him I'm scared.

How to open up.

How to see who he really is.

How to ask why he's so afraid...

Doesn't he know I care?

Doesn't he know I love him?

Doesn't he know he can't get rid of me that easily?

Does he even know how much I care?

Does he know everything I wish I could say?

How to tell him what I can't even admit to myself...

I don't know.

Hidden Scars

Just once can't you see.

Won't you open your eyes and look at me.

What do you see?

A happy girl with no worries?

Look again.

Still think you see me?

If you do you're wrong.

Look through the mask,

Deep into my eyes.

Start to realize that this should be no surprise.

I can be an open book but I require a key.

I may not be perfect or the happiest all the time.

I'm human there must be a reason no rhyme.

I'd love for you to see I'm not perfect,

I have my scars.

I can't just throw them to the stars.

I can hide them.

I don't want them anymore.

Please just show me that you won't leave when you see what hides inside of me.

Silence, Tears Fall

Silence

Tears

Fall

No

One

Knows

No

One

Can

Hear

Silence

Falls

As

The

Tears

Come

Rolling

Swiftly

If

Only

It

Were

Raining

No

One

Would

See

Them

No

One

Could

As

Tears

Of

A

Broken

Heart

And

Wounded

Soul

Fall

Silently

Question?

Do you know what it is like to live?

To truly live?

To feel love,

Pain,

Heartache,

And

Healing?

Do you know what it's like to live a free life?

A simple life?

Complex?

A life at all?

Do you question yourself?
Do you question life?

Reality?

Do you ever ask what if?

Do you ever wonder what things would be like if you did something differently?

How about if life wasn't what it is?

What if life as we new it was something completely different?

Ever ask yourself a thoughtful question and trip out over the possible answers?

Do you know what it is like to really live?

Mother's Day

Dear Mothers,

I'd like to thank moms for bringing us into this world. Thank you for putting up with us, loving us and raising us.

Mom, thank you for always being my friend and standing up for me even when you knew I was wrong. Thank you for being the fun Crazy Lady when we needed you.

Shannon, Thank you for always being here for me and putting me back in my place when I needed it. Thank you for taking me in when I needed to get out of there, for always being the escape I needed.

Mem, Thank you for helping take care of me and for treating me like your girl. Thank you for helping me with prom and everything else even after I decided not to go.

All of you thank you for trusting me and letting me know I can trust you. Thank you all for being my Mamas. I love and cherish all of you more than you know for all you've done for me.

Sincerely,

Madisynn Marie

Song of Myself

I am night yet I am day,

The starry night lit by the full moon.

The beautiful cloud filled rainy day I pray follows.

A contradicting book of emotions,

More of a diary;

Key lost to the beholder.

For most say I am hard if not impossible to read,

Yet my forever changing eyes reveal more.

Windows to the soul eyes are.

A witch I am as people say.

Loving the night and cloudy days meant to be dark and gloomy.

I find beauty there in the heavy dark clouds,

Threatening to burst at any moment in time.

Rain.

The best feeling in the world, dancing in the rain with the one you love.

Wrapped up in each others arms.

Feeling the sensation of their amazing kiss upon my lips.

Days like that I pray the sun never comes peaking through the clouds.

Wishing I could stay in that exact moment forever.

Frozen in time.

Time,

Such a scary thought.

I know what lies ahead.

It terrifies me,

Yet it excites me.

Like a baby bird ready to leave the nest.

I take flight from my isolated cage.

Ready to leave and never come back.

I am terrified of time.

Knowing that when I leave,

When I'm finally free,

I will be alone in this scary, crazy world.

I will be ready for that day.

I am strong like the tiger.

My instincts are sharp,

Perfect,

Like the creatures of the night.

I will be free and ready for my life to begin,

In that beautiful starry night of a full moon above.

The ocean waves beneath my feet.

Your warm embrace surrounding me.

Was I worth it?

I know I've made mistakes before,

But baby I'm not perfect.

So tell me was I worth it?

Help me.

Can anybody hear me?

I'm so scared and lonely.

Will this be the end of me?

Or can I change this?

(Chorus)

So tell me baby was I worth it?

You know no one's perfect.

I've made so many mistakes.

Are you gonna write me off and turn away?

Or tell me that you love me and always stay,

By my side for the rest of the ride?

Help me.

Is anybody out there?

Can you even hear me?

Where does this road lead me?

Some dark forbidden place?

Or the great unknown?

(Chorus)

So tell me baby was I worth it?

You know no one's perfect.

I've made so many mistakes.

Are you gonna write me off and turn away?

Or tell me that you love me and always stay,

By my side for the rest of this ride?

Life takes so many different heartaches,

And turns them into something worth it.

Baby we both knew I was trouble.

In the end we both know,

Where this road will lead us.

With this last note,

I say that I love you.

Will you admit your love for me?

I know it doesn't matter.

Either way in the end,

I found the path you were meant to lead me to.

Shadows

If only you could see the real me,

Not the girl I pretend to be.

Watching, waiting, anticipating.

To see the day,

It will all be okay.

When the shadows stay away.

Fearing to come play.

Sleeping with one eye open.

Remembering how it's been.

Over and over again.

Hoping Fate will rearrange.

Love can change.

Futile to try and hide.

Just open your mind.

Remember the fear in my eyes.

Know where the answer lies.

I stay awake at night.

Praying it will be alright.

Find they key,

To saving me.

With my last long breath,

I say I love while greeting my death.

Free

I used to be this scared little girl.

The me you'd never see was not as weak as she.

But hid never to be known.

Until I snapped,

Something inside awoke that day.

Woke to find,

That there was no reason to fear you.

The weak, scared, pathetic thing I used to be died that day.

Now I have a fire in me that proves I am a force to be wreckoned with.

Now I am free to dance with the ocean waves,

Finally feel the earth beneath my feet,

And the breeze on my cheek.

My spirit is one with the world.

Finally FREE.

Fool

What is this strange feeling?

I've never felt it before.

Love?

Acceptance?

Both?

But how?

Why?

What makes me worthy of such a thing?

I've always thought I was destined for Hell.

Now I'm not so sure.

I'm starting to see that there is life beyond the window pane.

Break the glass to open your eyes to the truth.

The truth?

I thought I couldn't handle it.

I was scared to face it.

I was a fool.

I guess I live up to my tarot card.

A fool amoungst knights and kings.

Still learning what this truely is I am feeling.

Broken Heart

You really think it's okay,

To break my heart and walk away?

Then say you want me again.

You think you can leave for months on end.

Then waltz back in like you never left?

Well fuck no you got another thing coming,

If you think that is the case my friend.

You think you can ignore it and pretend?

If you pretend long enough,

things won't seem so rough?

That's not the way it works.

You need to realize,

that this will only traumatize,

me and anyone else,

you use in your little scheme.

Scheme to keep me,

Sure go ahead.

But you'll soon find .

You are no longer welcome in my bed.

You've fucked me over too many times,

Without reason or rhyme.

This is the last time my

Heart aches of goodbye.

Otherwise it breaks to end everything,

With a painful song the siren sings.

Life's a Song

Life's a song,

With a funky beat.

A rhythm of your choosing.

You alone decide.

Be it rock, Punk

Country or Hip-hop.

Let it play.

Feel it in your soul.

Be a rebel.

Let your hair hang down.

Dance around in your underwear.

Dance like no one is around,

Like you don't care what people think.

Be the you we are all afraid to show.

Let the music be your guide.

Life is a song.

Fairytale

Yesterday was the day the world would end.

Today is the day to prove them wrong.

Today is where the black whole ends.

She found the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hell's reign of terror is over.

Skipped the Earth plane.

Found a place that was only allowed in books.

Books and the imagination.

Summerland.

That special place between Heaven and Earth.

Only is it real?

Can there really be a place better than this?

One you don't have to die to get to?

That's what the fairytales tell us.

But are they true?

Can we really live happily ever after?

Or is that a myth?

Who knows?

Yesterday was Hell's turn to reign.

Today is mine.

I

Will

Always

Fight

For

My

Right

To

Live

A

Life

Better

Than

What
I

Had.

How Did I Never See?

How did I never see

The monster behind the mask?

You only pretended to be,

A man worth loving me.

The man that I fell for,

being nothing but lies.

That it, you, were all just a facade?

You lied,

Tricked me,

Abused my love for you.

Treated me like trash.

All for what?

What did you gain from all of this?

Absolutely nothing.

You've done nothing but hurt me.

And that made me stronger.

There are times that I wish I never met you.

But the one good thing that came from loving you was to learn just how strong I am.

I'm not weak.

And thanks to your selfish ass I never will be.

I'm stronger than I seem.

And no one can ever take my free will and strength away from me.

I'll forever stand a strong woman.

You never gave me a reason to hold on.

So now I'm letting go of the biggest mistake I ever made,

Being the hardest lesson I ever learned.

The one most worth living.

Carpe Deim

Live your life.

Have some fun.

Be a drunken fool minus the alcohol.

Dance in your underwear.

Sing in your hairbrush.

Just be YOU.

Don't let anyone tell you who to be.

Or how to live your life.

Do what you feel is right.

And don't ever let anyone control your life.

But you.

Love like you never loved before.

You know you only live once.

So Carpe Deim.

Seize the day.

Show it and everyone else who lives your life.

Remorse

How were you,

When you saw what you'd done to me?

Heart-broken?

Good.

Does your lying ass feel remorse?

No?

You should.

Why?

Because I moved on.

Yeah that's right.

The sad broken girl who loved you.

Loves you no more.

Never again.

Never again will I be foolish enough to fall for you.

Do you yearn for me now?

I knew you would.

The one heart you broke that meant something...

And you will never get her back.

You still love me.

But I hate you.

Why? When? What?

Why can't life be simple?

Why can't it be a fairytale with the happily ever after?

Why is it that the good dies young?

Why does the bad always seem to out weigh the good?

Why does living on the Earth plane feel like living in Hell?

When?

When does it get better?

When do things get easier?

Is death really the end?

The relief we seek to end the pain?

Or is it just the beginning?

What really waits for us out there?

Does it ever truely end?

One thing I know for sure is that we will never truely know until death claims us as his own.

Futile

It is useless.

Futile,

A waste of my time and energy.

That's it.

I can't take it anymore.

That's right I quit.

I'm done.

When you put forth enough effort to kill the human race,

And you still fail.

That's when you know you need to give in.

I'm not a quiter,

I just know when to give in.

Know when to say I've had enough.

Because continuing will end up being the death of me.

I'm a realist.

I know,

It's unfortunate.

But what else can I do?

Move on.

Or let this drive me mad...